Learn Original ArseHole Writing From Barry L. ArseHole Williams

Anyone reading my stuff knows that I am confused at times.

Hail, just perusing my wordy crapola could stop any newbie author from even attempting to write themselves.

“What’s the point of jumping in?” they would say, “this guy’s peeing in the water. Alot!”

I know exactly what they mean.

I’ve got half an idea here, a veiled threat laying right over there and holy shite! four sentences that don’t make a rat’s petunia of sense leading the parade!

So, what to make of all this and should it be duplicated by others?

Well, writing certainly ain’t difficult and I believe that everyone can and should write their own authentic story. Otherwise, they live and die and the rest of us have little chance of gaining from the life lessons lining their casket.

This is why I want to impress on you how easy original writing is – and it truly is – as long as you have a Clump Of Letters Thought Suction Process to provide ideas.

Yep, the old COLTSP.

In fact, my very own word sucker looks like this rat here:

The Light At The End Of The Rifle Scope

1. Original ideas usually don’t come all at once.

First there’s a smell of something burning, then you can tell it’s burning in YOUR HOUSE and finally you run into the bathroom to find that the towel you thought was wet is now a flaming heap of linen fire starter!

THEN you find out that you’re in the wrong house and you’ve been dreaming. Look! You’ve got somebody else’s clothes on and they’re a different sex then you! And WHO TOOK THOSE PICTURES?! AAAAGGGHHH!

Get The Magnifying Glass, We’re Torching Something

2. From all the stupid shite you just wrote, try to decipher some semblance of a story. Dig through your language filled garbage can to find the receipt for the golden phrase ring which surely was thrown by mistake into this very same word wasteland.

Keep It, Shorty

3. Write a two hundred word story on your newly discovered idea, closely examining the crap you discovered during yer dumpster dive.

Yer Honor I Object!

4. Edit, expound and expand your concept by seeing the center point and the outside edge. Unless yer concept is a box in which case there would be sixteen edges and a color.

Drop It, NOW!

5. Original ideas are like children in that they all want their own way with you.

Pop off as many words for your story as you feel compelled to and then like you would do with a bunch of baby kittens, put them into a plastic container with a snap tight lid and let them simmer overnight or at least until you can’t stand the fucking mewing anymore. (they don’t smother you, you don’t smother them kinda thing. 😎 )

Finish ‘Em Off

6. Luke at yer idea with fresh eyes and kid gloves on account of you might not like what you see when you pop that top. And it might stink a bit.

Regardless of olfactory barrage, what you will see is an original idea which anyone could now improve upon and guess what, it came from lil’ ol YOU! Hip hip hooray for the word wizard!

BackSlaps All Around

Go ahead – congratulate the hail out of yerself for being able to pull something new into existence and just like carting drawings of your cute little kittens around with you, go back and read and re-read your story again and again.

You’ll get a great feeling of accomplishment when you do so BUT sooner or later you’ll read that same story and it will make you feel kinda sick.

You will want to upchuck.

Why?

Because you’ve improved your skills so much that you are not the same author who penned that previous bullshite. Nosiree.

Your yardstick proves that you’re now somebody else.

Who, I wonder?

Thank you, friend.

Barry out.

Of course I’m using cats as an example but it could be goldfish too. As long as they’re out of the water. Or featherless birds, you get the idea.

More shite here: http://barry-williams.com/blog/my-secret-blog-idea-plan-how-to-appear-extweemly-extweemly-intelligent/

2 Responses to “Learn Original ArseHole Writing From Barry L. ArseHole Williams”

  1. If you can talk you can write.

    Oh shoot. Wait a minute.

    Mute people write.

    Shit.

    [Reply]

  2. Kinda glad I didn’t get that psychological help I axed for back in ought ten

    [Reply]

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