Owners Manual

18 min read

Barry Williams, Kathy Williams, Brett Williams

(2010 Barry, wife Kathy, son Brett)

Who is Barry Williams and why is he still Free?

The real Barry Williams is a guy who acted like the dork Greg Brady in a 1980’s television series called The Brady Bunch.

Okay, he seemed pretty cool at the time but don’t forget that our government was also putting a schwack of LSD in our water back then. Remember hearing tunes about being able to check out but never leaving …?

Anyway, Dude and his fellow actors and actresses paved the way for families all over the world to split up and he and his sexually charged (think Marsha …) mixed family were likely responsible for more step-sibling incest than any other television program ever. And that includes Penthouse!

That’s the story of my life: a fake name, somebody else gets the girl who turns out to be his sister and I have to write these stupid blog posts that I’m never going to be paid for. How in the hail is that fair?

Why should anyone listen to you?

For one thing, I don’t like the tone of the questions you are asking and number two, this isn’t conversation. This is reading and that we do with our eyes, not ears. So really, I don’t even know how to answer your question on account of it being so far out.

How often do you update this blog?

I update this online confessional every week and I would really like to publish more work but having been tossed out of typing class in high school, I peck out each letter with my nose. Try it – it is flipping hard to do.

That is also why my nose is getting so big and red. From tip (see…?) typing.

Okay, here is the real lowdown on me:

I’m just an abnormal guy with abnormal dreams and I hope to affect you in an abnormal manner.

Married: 28 yrs

Children: Three grown and on their own, a 18 yr old smart alec young feller at home

Grandchildren: 4

Current Projects:

Becoming an author even if it kills me and

DuctHide Tough Wearables – we don’t kill the ducts but it comes pretty dang close

Here are some moving pictures of me when I looked much older than I do now:

And Here: My Life Story In One Video

Which ThunderBird do you think I resemble?


Barry Williams Family Regina Saskatchewan 2010

Fom the left upper to right: a part of son in law Preston‘s head (very cool and scary looking dude), grandson Ty (built like a brick shit-house and tougher than nails), my gorgeous wife Kathy holding our world changing grand daughter Chase, right behind her is her dad and my big boy Bryce (a friggin witty, ready to roll dude), dats me wit the glasses and behind me is my youngest son Brett (a caring guy, imagination unlimited) and now back to the left hand side front and my genius and authentic daughter Shannon with her arm around my fiendish and fun-loving grandaughter Devynn. Missing from the photo are: my daughter in law Angie and oldest son (talented and more importantly working actor 😎 )  Jason and my grandson, Tristan.

Barry Williams and his father, Garry Williams
My father is the one with the cane

My 84 year old father has been kicking Leukemia’s ass for more than 8 yrs – since 2002.  Life expectancy was 12 – 18 months when he was first diagnosed. This photo was taken in Nanaimo, BC August 2010. I am 53 here but trying to act older in front of my dad, of course.  – Barry

from left to right: Brett, Barry & Garry Williams
Brett, Barry and Gary (on wheels) Williams May 2011

Three generations of Williams kinfolk and on your left we have the smartest and the middle, me. Dude looking senior is the oldest of our clan – me pops – Garfield.

NO More Father: Now I”M THE OLDEST Williams in my family. Ahem.  My father left his clothes in the autumn of 2011. I’m wearing his socks and one of his shirts as I type this. Old bastard had better fashion sense than I did. THAT makes me sad…

Having said that:

All my religious beliefs can be sniffed out here:

In November 2011 I removed the reference to business on my blog header because I felt that by posting nude photos of myself on the blog I had probably undermined any shred of integrity the fucking thing had anyway.

November 29, 2011 – I find myself on a four month waiting list for psychological help in Regina, Saskatchewan so now my mental state is up to me.

All I know is, I’m not switching my drugs for theirs. They’ll have to come and get me. I hope we can hold out…

December 1, 2011 Came out of the closet about being crazy and have been accused of faking it. I’m not faking it and dozens of people could verify this. Dozens.

December 3, 2011 Part of me hates that I started listing the dates on account of this getting old fast but today I’ve been taking vitamins and they might be helping with the Extra Low Frequency Waves that the handler types have been throwing my way.

Just saying.

December 4, 2011 I do feel better. I do feel better. Over and over I’m getting … uh, shite. Lets have a glass of whine.

December 5, 2011 Reading The Halderman Diaries. I am not as crazy as Richard Millhouse Nixon and a lot of other fuckers. Nowhere near.

Dec 10, 2011 Came up with another original idea today then promptly forgot about it. Then another one. Same thing. I gotta start writing this stuff down!

Dec 12, 2011 Been on vitamins and meal replacement shakes for two weeks now. Longest I’ve ever kept up a nutritional process besides drinking full bodied beer. I still feel crazy every day in that my thoughts are scattered (coming from the 5th dimension a little too fast) and I feel significant mood swings from really feeling shitty to just feeling shitty. A shitty boy – that’s me. Continuing to drink too much home made wine and if it weren’t for marijuana, both my wife and I feel I’d be in prison or dead by now. After Zoloft, Paxil, Prozak, Wellbutin, Effectsor I like pot the best and it has far fewer side effects. Also tougher to placeboize…

Dec 15, 2011 I just realized after thousands of hours invested into ducthide’s website how terrible it is. And still people are buying shite from that site. What the fuck is wrong with people and me?!

more ducthide bullshite

Dec 18, 2011 I am one of those peckerheads who are screwing with the placebo effect. Its day whatever and yes, I feel better than yesterday. The vitamins, shakes (not home made wine shakes – the meal replacement shakes) seem to be making a difference. I’ve kept my wine, pot and kraft dinner intake the same consumption level as a control and yes, I feel better even taking all those contributing factors into account. I don’t even feel like knocking down the christmas tree this year. At least, not right now.

Dec 19, 2011 I know for a fact that more than one day has gone by since I last wrote here. Probably its after christmas at my mother-in-laws and everything went great and nobody is in jail that shouldn’t be. Yeah, thats what day it is.

Dec 27, 2011 Made it! With a few basic plumbing skills (iss heres the terlot, rat?) and a whole lot ‘o brown nosin’, I DID IT! Whenever I think of these religious holidays that revolve around gorging oneself on bird / bread and take backable gifts, I get acid reflux. And from what I hear, that in itself ain’t good. Guy could lose his voice box over it.

Dec 28, 2011 On vitamins now for almost a month and yep, I feel better. Much more energy, less contemplation about being crazy. Still say some whacked shite though and I really doubt the vitamins will curb that when even my mother couldn’t.

Dec 31, 2011 My 78 year old mom phoned the other day to inform me that I was poking holes in her heart by not phoning her as often as she would like. I was astonished at not recognizing this power I have to explode chunks out of people’s hearts but now that I know I can do this I’ll be aiming it at a few people who aren’t using their hearts anyway. Coronary Collapse City – HERE WE COME! (goodbye enemies! 😎 )

Just finished reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and have kidnapped several of the ideas he was holding hostage. Almost finished The Haldeman Diaries. Its pretty interesting to see how children rule the world.

Jan 3, 2012 This is going to be the year I make it big by introducing and selling version 2.0 of the Mayan calender. Until then though, I remain the same stupid fucker I was in 2011.

Jan 5 Feeling good physically and not so muddled emotionally. Been on vitamins and daily meal replacement shakes for just over a month. That’s longer than I have kept at any health process but now feel I need more exercise, too. Still nagged by constant thoughts of some purpose to my life and as usual, feeling the light of destiny upon me sitting on the toilet out in the middle of nowhere.

I’ll probably get real healthy this year and then the world will end. That’d be just my luck…

Jan 9 Got a call from the mental health department of Saskatchewan on Friday, Jan 6, 2012.  The woman told me that I could remain on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist only if:

1. I agree to see an addictions counselor. (and warned me that someone from mental health would be following up to make certain I had met with said counselor) I guess that’s likely normal with insane folks.

2. I also must agree to go back to my MD and fill a prescription for some medication that the head doktor recommends I start taking before he even sees me. (I bet it costs more than the stuff I’m on now, too)

I told her to strike my name from the list. Anyone who wants me to replace my drug regime without even meeting me is sicker than I am and the last thing I need is to catch another psychological disease from Mr. or Mrs. Mindfull.

Overall I have much more energy and feel better emotionally since starting a vitamin and meal replacement program 5 weeks ago. Thank fuck I did…

Premonition: this afternoon I was drilling small holes in a thick piece of metal and after the sixth hole I had the fleeting thought that the bit might break and moved my clamp hand further away from the drill. Three seconds later the bit snapped and the stub bit scratched across the same stretch of metal from which I had just removed my hand. How fifth dimensionish of me, I thought.

Jan 12 My goal this year is to knock off 500 stories. I’ve published 500 so far in two years and if I can get 1000 fables written surely a couple of them will be good. I am feeling better each week it seems. Still doing the vitamin thing and started skipping every second day of drinking. I’ve only skipped two at this point and the first was tougher than the second because what could I do with my hands now that they were’t carrying a wine glass? Also pinched a nerve in my neck this week and son-of-a-pupster that’s an attention getter / sleep stealer. Also having some of the warmest weather on record. Normal for the end of the world (2012) I suppose. Reading No Man Alone by Wilder Penfield. Today I’m a brain surgeon.

Jan 18 Two days ago I felt a depressive cycle coming on and it lasted for a day and a half and was 90% weaker than incidents prior. I was able to climb out of the doldrums without causing myself or anyone else harm. I believe this is due to my vitamin and meal replacement program that I have been on for 7 weeks. Weather this week is harsh with -43 Celicus temps (-34 with windchill)

Jan 23 Just getting over three days of flu, cold. Praise the lawd I was taking vitamins, etc. because without it the invisible fucker would have kicked my arse. Rat now its working my son Brett over and is just finishing up with my wife. Hey, we’re battling for our lives out here! Feeling good mentally now that I’ve passed the recent mood cycle and am looking forward to a productive end of the month. Besides getting hammered every second day.

Feb 4 Wow. That was quite a flu! My wife was sick for a month, my mother in the hospital for two weeks and even I who never gets sick was smacked with it. Still doing the vitamin/drink thing. Still only getting hammered every second day even though 75% of the first month of off days I’ve had a glass of wine. Didn’t get hammered and that’s my point. Feeling good these days. Waiting on my copy of Imagining The Tenth Dimension. Just finished reading a novel called Smugglers Blues, Wilder Penfield’s book No Man Alone and The Haldeman Diaries. Reading about various psychological concepts now in order to have more lies to tell later. Having lots of fun writing short stories. Just finished a 1,000 word story and didn’t like staring at the same thing so long.

Feb 9 Hey, time flies. Mom still having a tough time health wise and my wife and I still feeling the hangers-on of that last deadly flu. That one killed people, I guarantee you. Anyway, still doing vitamins, fewer shakes on account of Kathy is making some breakfast now. Still getting not as hammered as I would like every second day but its there if I need it. Right now I’m hammered so there you go. Still waiting on my tenth dimension book and reading Georges Lahkosvsky’s multiwave occilator stuff. A bit beyond my thinking but I first read it in 2003 so we’ll see what 9 years of intelligence does to the book. Website was off line several times this week due to my late payment and don’t make late payments because just don’t. When the sun comes up that’s something new and you gotta pay. Okay?

Feb 13 Lipe ees good. Just saw ma and within a couple of minutes I was a kid again. Yeah. My ma don’t know shite about time or how it makes kids not kids. Very good few daze. I do feel gooder and gooder.

Feb 15 My birthday. Until now I have discounted birthdays and other stupid reasons to celebrate like halloween and christenings. Now I feel different. I am going to love people that have birthdays and whatever and I will god damn well have fun at this or else. Kathy is sick again. Second time this year and she never gets sick. Almost like pneumonia. Things are good. Still doing the vitamins and not so much meal replacement drinks. Today I had only wine for food because. You know.

Feb 18 Still doing the vitamin thing, some meal replacement shakes and drinking too much home made wine. I feel good even though I have been cheating on the hammered every second deal. My 55th birthday fell on a day off and that wobble knocked my equilibrium for a loop and I was fairly hammered for a couple of daze. Back on track now. Got an email from homelandsecuritypattygolden yesterday asking if they could share my stories via facebook. Go ahead I said because when they come for me I’d like to bargoon for different colored overalls. Orange don’t suit me. Steel today lipe ees gute.

barry williams february 2012 good side

And this is my happy face Feb 2012.

Feb 29 Leap Year Y’all! (just realized this today) Feeling good. Had some gout try to neak up on me today but the godamn drink / vitamin correlation is strong. Still drinking too much. Every second thing dropped off a bit when the wine supply came back on line. Turns out the wife was addicted to my hammered every second day thing. She won’t admit it though. Some people… At story 107 in a 500 story battle in 2012. What if something good happens? Remembering my interdimensional daughter Nadine lately. Life is funny. Kathy asks me why I put such weird photos of myself on the web. I don’t use makeup but I tell you, when you see me, I look better in person.

Mar 5 Had gout y’all. If you never had gout thank yer lucky stars. Hurtful in the extreme. Anyway, since my vitamin program was on gout’s arse I felt it everday but was still able to hobble about my complanitory work. Shit snuck up on me at night but after I took the peews and and a drank shit it subsided allowing me to joe about my daily shite which all us must joe bout.. Feeling good. Producin what I should.

Mar 7 This is stupid checking in every second day on account of not much changing. Of course, if we all get killed between reporting dates some investigative work would be required. Think of the pencils saved let alone the time not spent in stupid administrative duties for what? Can you tell I’m having my period? Also 139 stories produced so far this year so fuck you Barry.

Mar 14 Oohh. A whole week has gone by! This was the week I stick handled Grant and I thought I knew why until I learned new evidence from Kathy and how she was feeling that night. Now I think my reaction was similar to how any animal acts when their mate is in heat around a member of the opposite sex. Kathy had just been to a fashion show with men in bathing suits and howling sets both genes and memes in motion. Poor Grant, suffering the brunt of my protective instinct. See now, I’m asshole free. Wyant you try it pal?

Mar 16 You’ll never meet anyone who hates acting like an arsehole more than me. Never. But ask any of the people who tolerate me. I act like a fucking idiot at times. Why? Wish I knew. I try to keep my assholishness short and I’m sure my comrades notice my improvement. Even if they don’t say anything. They’re not, are they?

Mar 20 I see that Amazon was on my site big time today. I wonder if they’ll approach me to become an author or charge me with big time plagiarism? (whatever that is, right?)

Mar 24 What a dreamer I am! I keep thinking I can hear rescue aircraft overhead and then I remember I’m not laying in the desert in some terrible accident. No, I’ve turned one too many times in bed and have fucking near mummified myself with the sheet and my unconscious wife is keeping it taut by gripping her square footage tightly. Just had a physical and turns out my bumps might not be cancer. Doc says they might just be from being ugly. THAT I can live with!

April 8 Went through a multiple day down period but am also understanding how my ying yang mate influences these episodes. Can people alter your destination? What if an accident happened in your life today? What if you had to save / ignore somebody? What if this was the first time you saw someone die? Today’s events pile on yesterday’s events and pretty soon piling on is uh, you know. Minimalistic life continues at my home and we are hunkered down to survive another grateful day. Just did a physical and looks lak ah maht leeve. So grunts doctor.

April 15 Reached 300 stories for 2012 yesterday. 200 more to go to meet my goal of producing 500 original pieces of work this year. Looks like I might be able to pull this off by June. Mayhaps I’ll bump my goal to 1000 stories in a single year. Wonder if that would put me in the Guinness beer book of records… Anyway, another attitude slump lasting 4 daze but today I feel better. I really thought the vitamins were doing it for me but mayhaps my ignence is stronger than dem peews. My hope is that one day I’ll be able to accept my craziness rather than living beside it.

April 17 What the hell?! I’m reporting in waay too early but time is all wonky for me now.  Another contact from Patty and I wrote a story based on the video she sent. Surpassed 300 stories for 2012 so even if I write 2 per day from here on in I’m getting allowance. Just went through a week long down time. 70% down. Almost unable to speak and slept a lot. Thank fuck I had you to talk to… Okay now, tho.

Oh, and for all those people who have been asking (which is none). Myself, well I sleep fitfully and I perspire lak there’s no tomorrow and my breath is full of something I wish I knew.

April 19, 2012 For the next month I’ll be posting my Doctor Killdereness at this url: https://barry-williams.com/blog/i-am-not-a-grumpy-old-fucker-30-day-experiment/

From the left upper to right: a part of son in law Preston’s head (very cool and scary looking dude), grandson Ty(built like a brick shit-house and tougher than nails), my gorgeous wife Kathy holding our world changing grand daughter Chase, my big boy Bryce (a friggin witty, ready to roll dude), dats me wit the glasses and then my youngest son Brett (a caring guy, imagination unlimited) and now back to the left hand side front and my genius and authentic daughter Shannon with her arm around my fiendish and fun-loving grandaughter Devynn.

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