Since starting a brand new program for the treatment of alcoholics about two weeks ago, this is what my research has shown:
1. It is possible to only get hammered every second day if a person really goes overboard on their “on” days.
2. Knowing you can drink as many pailfuls as you want in just 24 hrs gives a person something to look forward to and goals are very important. And you can still cut the grass or take out the garbage while dreaming about being hammered in 22.5 hours.
3. So what if you drink a wee bit on the first few “off” days. Who is keeping track?! Well, you are. And you will keep track because that’s what us morons do. Its called owe-zies and will clinch your butt-cheeks when your memory is working properly.
4. Amounts in arrears (daze off you owe) will be carted around in your idea bank until such time as they are paid back via being too sick to drink on a day “on” or some other such hammer interrupting accident which is bound to happen.
5. Limiting daze off imbibing to maintenance loads only will make any liquid gold taste two hundred percent better in 24 hours.
6. All this happens in your mind without the need to keep records, attend stupid meetings or anything.
7. A fundamental law of the universe says that shite adds up so all daze off count forever.
8. Twenty four hours ain’t as long as it seems especially if you’re feeling pretty hung for a part of it.
9. Check your pants pockets. You still have money.
10. And look, there’s a cold bottle of Excellent Tomorrow waiting rat there in the bottom of the fridge.
Thank you, friend.