Lawdy Hep Those Beggars Hooked On Facial Penetration


Okay, okay, okay.


I uh… (say your name)

What? (tell everyone your first name)

Wha…? My firs… (just say Barry. That’s your name isn’t it?)

Yeah but I thought this was an anonymous meeting. Now you told them my bloody name?!

(Calm down Barry. Everyone knows your name already. You started this group, remember?)

Oh yeah. Sorry.


Hi everybody, my name, as you have already heard too many times tonight is Barry Williams.

(let’s keep it classy Barry. First names only)

Oh yeah. Sorry.

Probably some Redditors in the room. Ha ha. Are there an… (on with it Barry)

Oh yeah. Sorry.

Anyway, I notice many of you are wearing prickly gloves and yeah.

I truly feel for you brothers and sisters.


I wish you could have seen me when I first started this group, aye Lester?

(At`s right Barry)

My nose was like dripping buckets, one big mother of a scab and … (on with it Barry)

Easy Lester, easy.

Busy fingers are good fingers is what we say in Nosepickers Anonymous NPA and if we are to have half a chance at ridding the planet of full frontal facial penetration…

(Barry, for cripes sake! Stay on task!)

Stayee… onn… taaask… Lester?!

This is exactly what I mean!

This kind of shit makes my nose twitchy!


I’m like craving facial penetration at this very moment because of you speaking so naughty to me Lester.

So very naughty Lester!

It’s like you’re riding me and riding me and slamming that big-twisty sugar cane cane of yours all the way down, Down, DOWN my fully flared nostrils!

Poosh it Lester! At’s right budday Poosh IT!


(Barry! For Gods sake! STOP GETTING A-HOLD OF YOURSELF! Look where your fingers are!)



I’ve done it again, haven’t I?!


A relapse Lester!

Right here in front of the group…

(Ladies and gentlemen, please look at your OWN fingers and for the love of Pete, curtail your facial penetration at once!)


The lights come up.

I… I don’t know what to say.

For years I’ve been clean. Hands safely ensconced in my pockets. Holding onto keys, books, tablets, little children.

Okay, not little children but loads of other valuable stuff.

These hands which have served me so well. And an olfactory sense second to none!

But to waste them with the simple carnal pleasure of facial penetration… my gawd, gawd, gawd. How could I…?

(there, there, Barry. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t want to make yourself cry just so you can touch your nose again. 😎 )

Heh, heh, heh.

Didn’t think you’d catch that so quickly Lester. Good one.


In closing I`d just like to point out that we all have those times when we’d like to just let our bodies have their way with themselves.

But that wouldn’t be right, would it? (No, it sure wouldn`t.) 

If we just let our bodies jerk here, rub there or stick anything anywhere anytime, our bodies would just do that and have no time or energy for the important stuff we need them to do!

Now, everyone knows that we can’t control our bodies completely but we can notice what our bodies are up to and interrupt their pattern!

Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt!

Just like our parents always told us, STOP THAT! must become our second calling.

We must Stop sticking ourselves, Stop picking ourselves and Stop flicking ourselves!

And Stop being a sorry wart!


Rise Up Nose Pickers of the world and keep those fingers busy by sticking your snoz into something non-local; OPB.

Other. People`s. Business!

Happy Sticking!


Thank you, friend.

Barry out.


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