When Yer An AssWhole

 *** Some of the timelines here are wonky (fear screws with time and what have you) but evidence is still ah, being extracted from the perpetrator and in the end everything will line up nicely. Thank you. ***


5:15.00 PM I ask my lovely girlfriend: could she make us some french fries?

Yes she can! she eagerly replied.

Her parents were outa town so we could do whatever we goddamn please in their new home.

Course, I asked her to make french fries before McDonald’s or similar ilk fries were easily gotten on nearly every corner of today’s Fabulous World of Fries.

While my enamored girlfriend headed out to the kitchen

5:uh.40 PM I kept my television trained eyes

firmly glued on RinTinTin.

Go Rinny!

Go Tinny!

You fucking Go Rinny Tin Tin!

You dog who can’t be fooled! You dog who won’t be stopped!

You rinny tin tin tin god fearing best of best dawgs!

Rinny tin tin, tin tin…

5:40.23 PM Hey? You smell that…?

5:41.27 PM Uh, honey, how’s them fries a’commin?


5:41.30 PM Uh Oh! The fries! Says the girl whose parents wish we never met.

I forgot about the fries! And then… HOLY SHIT!!

From the corner of my Rinny Tin Tin eye I see a two foot flame kitchen ways.

THE POT’S ON FIRE! My future wife screams, dropping the pot lid to the floor.

5:41.40 PM Mimicking Rinny Tinny Tin I sweep in like a shadow.

In and down, like Sir Shadow Savior, to pick up and replace the lid.

And, not being a complete fucking retard, I reach around the boiling cauldron at the same time to turn off the element with my other paw.

Why I did what I did next, I don’t know. But sheesh,

Now I wish I hadn’t…


5:42.50 PM With a slightly torched hand I lift the recently replaced lid and here shit began.

The pot re-ignited and FOR JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! I thought.

Why so much oil?! What fucking army were you making fries for?

There’s like two gallons of oil here, ON FIRE!

5:43.51 PM The heavy pot lid slipped from my hand and bounced into the cat box,

and me, not wanting to turn the oil cat boxish,

5:43. 53 PM tore a coat off the nearby coat hook (who keeps coats in a kitchen?)

and with trembling hand tossed said heavy rag on the fire.

Out it went! Holy smokes now! Sweet Jesus Yes!

I looked at my girlfriend all saviorish and such,

My quick thinking had saved what could have become, well…

My girlfriend and I let my courage and daunting set

in for a bit and then I reached over and at

5:44.05 PM unlatched the motherfucking drawbridge to hell.


Like Matador Mike I swung free the oily jacket

5:44.07 PM only to see the fucking fire light up again!

My someday ex-wife looked at me with astonishment,

5:44.09 PM neither of us could believe our bloody eyes.

5:44.14 PM Another jacket to the rescue, with maybe five,

Fluffy five in reserve.

On the flames jacket number two went.

Happy to meet the task.

And a too early confidence made me tipsy a bit.

In my “I got this” panic, I pulled slightly on the jacket,

spilling every steaming bit of no french fry brew.


Said my soon to hate me ex-wife.


5:44.16 PM As I high jumped over a fire lake like no Jack Flash had ever seen,

In that flash, well, I had it, having failed chemistry.

5:44.18 PM I grabbed up oven mitts and filled up a once burning pot

with water, upon burning oil I would now advise not,

to throw because extinguishing a fire is not what you will get!

5:44.48 PM Reality, by now, was so bent and all wet.

Couldn’t happen, I thought. This wasn’t happening, shit’s not real.

My girlfriend, who someone yelled at one day, NICE TITS! for real.

Was crouched down screaming WHAT THE FUCK?! by the cat shit dish.

What? What was happening? What could be happening I wondered?


5:44.53 PM So the big cat shit dish was my first line of defence.

5:44.56 PM Then reserve coats, biggest first, followed by area plants.

5:45.06 PM Then outside dirt from freshly planted flower pots.

Every pot had a place in fire quenching.

Little blazes on the edge, melting costly, cool lines,

In a not yet week old brand new carpet.

In my not-yet-but-soon-to-be in-laws new home.

We smokey bear stomped out small fires around the dirt,

My future lawyered-up wife and me.


5:45.51 PM Standing sorta stunned outside.

Wondering why no fire department yet.

I looked at the black smoke billowing through my future mother-in-law’s second story window sheers.

Those same sheers she proudly told me were the first window white sheers of her life.

They were no longer sheers but just screens for putrid strife.

Lawdy, I does feel for that woman. Even d’oh she surely

for good reasons hates me.


21 daze later PM Course, the smoke what ruined them sheers was from a source yet unknown.

Not by me, but my future father-in-law Ted knew the source.

He’d seen normal and I wasn’t it.

You’re the scourge, he eyeballed hard as he could to me.

A detriment, pally, with plenty o’ proof.

He shook at near heart attack levels when we eventually met.

As I stopped by with my explanation.

Whoa Ted, I warned. You better settle down.

He Luked me in the eye, shaking like a dude hooked on defibrillator. 

Ted knew his daughter would drop me.

And he was so, so very sorry that he could not drop me first.


Thank you, friend.

Barry out.









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