Dude Could Fit Two Feet, Two Legs And An Entire Arse Comfortably Into His Mouth.

1. Dude needs a job. Spies a concession bus sitting in another dude’s back yard.

2. Dude asks dude #2 if he can rent bus for 50% of profit generated. Dude 2 says sure.

3. Dude1 says great and works like a beggar to find spot for bus as most good locations to sell from in town are sown up by filthy / filthy rich bribe paying food bus competitor.

4. When a good gig finally comes along, Dude1 is eager to please. Organizer of event (gun show) wanting to hire Dude’s food bus turns out to be not organized and asks Dude if he can put together a pancake breakfast for three hundred people in twenty-four hours. Anxious to please, Dude1 says Oh certainly! Of Course!

5. Dude1’s wife goes ballistic when she hears that Dude has offered to produce pancake breakfast for 300 people. They have never fed more than 100 people at a time and are not equipped to cook pancakes and sausages at all! How they gonna pull off this latest soon-to-be lie of Dude1? Hmm?

6. Dude hurriedly draws up plans for pancake grille plate which will fit over charbroiler. As this is Saturday and breakfast is Sunday morning, Dude1 phones around to welders to see who is open on Saturday and can make his pancake grille. After going through six, Dude finds an old welder who will do it this afternoon. GREAT! Rushes plans over to welder.

7. Dude grabs pancake mix and sausages (jeepers, this is easy!)  for 300 hungry gun owners from grocery store Saturday afternoon while wife runs concession bus at gunshow.  At 5 PM Dude returns to welding shop to pick up his pancake making creation. Pays old welder, everybody happy he heads back to bus.

8. Driving back Dude realizes that old welder put legs on wrong side of pancake plate. Cheesus-Criminy! It won’t work like this! Pulls a U-turn to desperately find old welder who was getting into his old welding truck when Dude1 left him. Dude races through traffic and finally sees a rusty old welding truck across the river, on top the hill. Dude races like a maniac, lane changing like crazy and finally catches up to Old Sparky, just as he is sayonara-ing the city limits.

9. Please oh please Mister Old Welder! Please return to your shop and alter this pancake plate so Don’t Wannabe Aliar can make pancakes in 13 hrs! Old welder don’t want to (and is exactly why he wasn’t about to pull over for some honking city friggin’ retard), doesn’t think its his fault that the plate is wrong, it’s rush hour doncha know, do you have any idea how long it will take just to get back to the shop let alone re-do this stupid work?! Yes, yes and fucking YES! Please Mister Old Welder, please come back! … Grumpy metal melder does.

10. 8 PM on Saturday now when Dude finally shows his face with supplies and pancake plate. The gun show was over at six and Dude’s cleaning up alone wife was worried. What took him so long? Where was he? She got busy with customers and could have used his help and why haven’t cell phones been invented yet?! Dude Christmas morning unpacks supplies and checks pancake grille to ensure it will work. She heats up nicely and looks like it will do the trick! Oh, ho, ho, ho! Mister Man is a genius!

11. Dude’s wife checks the supplies he so proudly rounded up all on his own. To her horror, she learns that Mister Genius has purchased pancake mix which requires eggs and milk. And, as it is after 9 pm, no large grocery stores are open. Retard#1 will have to purchase dozens of eggs and gallons of milk at 7-11 prices and locations. For the next two hours, that’s what Moron#1 does. Picking up eggs, milk and arm-length disposable veterinary gloves.

12. At midnite Moron and his wife start mixing pancake batter. Eggs, milk, and powder assemble in many five gallon food grade pails, angrily mixed with french fry paddles and arm length veterinary gloves. 

13. With the pancake mix figured out, wife and serious sinner move onto sausages. Dude’s idea is to cook them in the deep fryer. They try it. Things initially seem to be working alright until the sausages begin to blow up, flinging boiling hot fryer oil all over. Six sausages take their time exploding before anyone can get close to the exploder. Every friggin’ sausage is stabbed twice in retaliation.

14. Finally, it’s three AM and all is ready for our pancake breakfast for three hundred. It’s been a long, learning day.

15. At nine-thirty AM Sunday morning, the tables are cleared, our humble concession bus is cleaned up & ready to head home and people have left the building. Three hundred and ten very happy pancake eaters have made today our second highest grossing day ever!


With the terror still close, but now surely behind him, Dude admitted that, hey, it wasn’t so bad.

“No?” remarked his war torn wife. 

“Maybe it wasn’t so bad for you,” she lamented, slapping his feet off the table.

“But never again…”

“Ever.  Never…”


Dude knew that meant maybe.


Thank you, friend.

Barry out.

This here is a true story. I swear. 

Kamloops, BC. 1986 (aprox.)

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